Thursday, May 3, 2007

Old friends

I've been reminiscing lately about old friends. Many of them were mutual, met while I was with my soon-to-be-ex-husband. It's hard during a break-up to separate "things" (see post below about that if you don't really believe me) when you are together for a significant amount of time. Lines get blurry and you don't think in turns of "what's yours, and what's mine"... It's "ours". At least that's how it was for me. I was in it for the long haul, so I didn't worry about writing my name on cd's, or books or silly things like that. Souveniers were not purchased in twos anymore... you don't think about needing/wanting extras like that down the road. Well, it's even harder to figure that out with mutual friends.

Who really wants to think in terms of who is "more" friends with someone?

Nobody expects people to "take sides" or "choose". That's awful. But, truth be told, that's what happens. You know in your heart, that when break-ups happen, people take sides. I'm not saying they do it intentionally, or to hurt, but perhaps somewhere in their subconscious, it happens, and it hurts. You never expect to wake up and realize that some is not the friend you thought they were - that maybe they are closer to the other person. I know I'm rambling, but I also know nobody reads this, so it's a good vent for me...

I've spent the last 10 months realizing who my "real" friends are. It's humbling, and sad. I miss them, of course. The easy banter. I don't blame them. They don't know the whole story, other than I look like the "bad" guy. It's also probably hard. They don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. My mom told me that divorce is like a death. It really is. But she also told me long ago about what she learned when her mom died. It's not what you say to someone who is hurting or dealing with a loss, it's the fact that you say anything at all. She doesn't remember all the condolensces from family and friends, or the people who came by with a casserole - but she does remember those that said or did nothing at all.

1 comment:

TFO said...

well, someone read it! :-)

i just had to comment because this post really struck a chord with me. about old friends and lost friends. i haven't been divorced, though, although i come from a childhood of knowing divorce. My Mom did it twice, the second time it was a blessing.

But i've been trying to track down old friends lately, and i have this kind of inner need to do it. i feel like the people i've known in my life are parts of my life and i don't want to sever the parts. memories of them are not the same as maintaining the releationship.

anyway i also noticed that you spent time in both Washington DC (i live in College Park, Md currently) and Arizona (i spent 18 years there, and i thought what a coincidence.

ok now i'm rambling.
take care
todd aka philfree