Time

This morning I went to the funeral service of a wonderful lady I got to know during my previous non-profit employment. Her Lukemia had come back and this time she could not continue her fight. she was young - probably mid-forties, a husband whose grief was clear on his face, and one son and a soon-to-be daughter in law. It made me think about how short life it, and how precious. It can be ripped away at any point in time, and it's so important to make the absolute best of every moment we are given. It reminds me so much of the song by Tim McGraw, "Live like you were dying"

He said I was in my early forties
with a lot of life before me
when a moment came that stopped me on a dime
and I spent most of the next days
looking at the x-rays
Talking bout the options
and talking bout sweet time
I asked him when it sank in
that this might really be the real end
how's it hit you when you get that kinda news
man what'd you do
and he said

I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

He said I was finally the husband
that most the time I wasn't
and I became a friend a friend would like to have
and all the sudden going fishin
wasn't such an imposition
and I went three times that year I lost my dad
well I finally read the good book
and I took a good long hard look
at what I'd do if I could do it all again
and then

I went sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.
Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did I do with it
what would I do with it?

Sky diving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I watched an eagle as it was flying
and he said someday I hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying.

To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying
To live like you were dying

In Memory:
When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me.
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free.

Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
Miss me - but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone.

It's all a part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.

Miss me - but let me go.

Week 22

Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

21 week appointment disappointment

Hm, well, I was so excited about this doctor's appointment - maybe I just built it up in my head a bit too much.... but I wanted to hear about the ultrasound etc. Not only did that not happen, but we waited about 30 minutes for the doc to come in, but she spent about 5 minutes with us. It seemed to me that she was more interested in telling me to not gain 10 pounds every appointment (yes, I gained 10 punds this time, but considering it'd been 5 weeks since our last appointment, and I had only gained 2 pounds so far - that's not too bad). It made me feel all flustered cause how many pregnant women feel good about how they look??? With all the changes your body is going through you're gonna have some self-esteem issues - seriously... So, that got me distracted and it wasn't until we got to the car that I realized she didn't even cover anything from the ultrasound.

She also seemed annoyed that we didn't want to go through the hospital classes - Um, we've signed up for our own Bradley classes thankyouverymuch.... $75 - $100 for breathing classes that are utterly useless when it comes time for delivery seems like a bit of a waste of money. Yeah, the bradley classes are more expensive, but it's more than just natural delivery - they also do nutrition, breastfeeding and general after baby stuff as well. To me, it's worth it. That class focuses on the type of birth I want. Not stupid breathing that does nothing to help the pain, causing me to go straight to some kind of drugs or epidural... no thanks.
So, as I said, she acted a bit put off, and asked if I was at least going to schedule a tour of the birthing center since it was free... uh - lady. Yeah. I would like to tour the hospital where I'm giving birth. Of course. I'm only 21 weeks. Cut me some slack...

Anyway, I'm hoping that she was just swamped from being out of town last week - and that it won't happen again. It really put me off and I was in a bad mood for most of the night.

Weight Gain so far:
8 week - 12 week appointment= 2 lbs gained
12 week - 16 week appointment= 0 lbs gained
16 week - 21 week appointment= 10 lbs gained (eek!)
Total= 12 lbs gained - still on target even though I put on 10 pounds in 5 weeks.

Heartbeat:
8 week appointment - only saw heartbeat through internal ultrasound
12 week appointment - found heartbeat with Doppler immediately and was strong in 150's
16 week appointment - found heartbeat with Doppler immediately and was strong in 150's
21 week appointment - found heartbeat with Doppler immediately and was strong in 150's - didn't get to hear for very long cause PB made me laugh and then I couldn't stop - I think I totally annoyed the tech cause she left right after that... oh well - I guess that was the highlight of our appointment yesterday.

Week 21 - Banana

Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for hydration and nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies are most interested in tastes they've already experienced through amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you want your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.

yanking on the umbilical cord...

So I may be the only one that does this but I've totally given my little boy an "in-utero personality". Some of the recent stories include the following:

- envisioning him constantly tossing and turning over, trying desperately to get comfortable, but he unfortunately takes after mom already and has a difficult time with that one.

- PB said since it's his boy he's probably down there yanking on the umbilical cord holding up a little glass asking for more milk - yuck! :)

- One morning I had a strange stabbing feeling in my side and the only way to describe it was to tell PB that if felt like he had grabbed ahold of my intestines and clamped it shut, kinda like what you do to a garden hose.

- He scooches away from PB's cold hands when they first touch my belly and I can see the little thought process chugging along, mad at daddy's cold touch. He generally chills out a bit and will scoot back over when PB's hand warms up :)

- He's going through another growth spurt cause I can't stop eating and I'm still hungry - this boy already takes after dad :) - so I always think he's looking up asking for more (PB thinks this is done in a sad orphan voice).

- When I wait too long to go pee I swear he's poking at my bladder - mad that he's running out of room in his home, wondering why I'm holding it in and ready for me to make it go away for the next 30-45 minutes. He definitely gets that from me - I don't like feeling crowded either.

"Love and Marriage"

Remember that crazy 80's, or was it 90's sitcom with Al Bundy, Married with Children? Not only did I love the crass show, but the theme song was running through my head this morning after I dropped PB off at work - have I mentioned that we are car-pooling now? I love that.

Back to the song - we are waiting for his ring to come in so we can finally get married. I think we are both so ready for it, we could care less where/when it happens, but so the end result is the same. :) It's finally been shipped and should arrive by this Friday, which means we no longer have any obstacles in the way of us making it legal. I can't wait to be his wife and I know he feels the same. It won't really change anything in our relationship - we'll still be the same couple, who sing silly, made-up rap songs on the way to work, have crazy nicknames for each other that we don't really want to admit to the public, and who love each other more than anything in the whole world.

Registering - Blech

So I think I now have my whole family up in arms :) It's quite funny actually. They've been anxious for PB and I to register for the little one so they know what we want etc. Which is super sweet but when we tried to go to the baby mega-mart we had some issues. Mainly, we stood in front of the car seats for at least 10 minutes, reading about each of them, and finally picking the one that "looked cool". Seriously??? It's about looks now? I will only speak for myself, but I had absolutely no clue what I was looking for. I mean, if they're on the market they all have to meet the same safety standards right? So they're all pretty much the same? No clue. I can change a diaper like the rest of them, but I have absolutely no idea.

After we finally picked a car seat, which basically consisted of staring dumbly at them all for 10 minutes, telling a salesperson that we didn't need help cause I didn't want to admit that I had no idea what I was doing cause (to psuedo quote Juno) "it's not an etch-a-sketch, this is one doodle that can't be undone". I HAVE to figure it out cause whether I do or not this baby's coming in approximately 5 months. Oh dear lord.

PB thinks I'm totally overreacting, which I'm sure I am :) I think it's funny how all worked-up I get :) but in the end I know it will be okay. My mom and sis chatted right after I vented to my mom about registering - and I got a vm from sis right after that telling me she'd help. I know I need to just chill out a little bit and it will all fall into place. And I suppose that I'm not really upset or freaking out about it - it's just that I didn't realize there were so many choices out there and that they were all so stinking expensive! :)

In the meantime - we've been browsing my favorite - Craistlist - for some good deals on things that don't have to be new... a bassinet, jogging stoller etc. There are only a couple of things that need to be new in my opinion: car seat being one of them. The rest - eh. The BT will grow out of it within two years anyway so what does he care? He'll be the cutest little boy on the block regardless if his stoller is "manly" :).

A Cantaloupe????? Seriously?

Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation... baby's genitals are now fully formed!

Love

I've been thinking a lot about love recently - obviously - with all that is going on right now who could think of anything different? It's amazing how connected I feel now that I know this little person growing inside me is a boy - not that I wouldn't feel connected if it was a girl... just knowing what it is makes it better somehow. I love this little boy so much already and when PB and I were talking last night about the future, I teared up just thinking about leaving him to go back to work. I am finally more comfortable at my job and know there could be a good future here for me, but is it worth it to miss the incredible time at home with our little boy? Making sure that he gets all the love, support and care that he needs to grow into a capable, happy, healthy person. It breaks my heart to think that I might miss even a moment of his life. I know that we have a lot to figure out, if we could make it work, if it's the right move for our family etc. But I do know now what I've heard from so many moms is true: you love them unconditionally from the start and I can't remember now what this life was like without him a part of it.